May We Get Our Happy Ending

Today I would have been 24 weeks along in my second pregnancy.
If my first pregnancy was successful, he/she would have been around 1 year and 5 months.
A toddler...He/She would have been a handful. Would have been the apple of our eyes..

Allah knows best. And if without iman, I would have been in a state of darkness.
But i refuse to let depression take over.
In all honesty, its hard to watch other people, especially ones who married later than i did, all already holding their babies.
But its not a race on who has a baby first.. Its a race in terms of the number of child bearing years i'm left with. My time will come, Insyallah. If Allah permits..
My gynae's optimistic.. I'm not so myself. Scared of feeling hurt again.
Insyallah will try harder this year. Not that we've really tried before. Hope to get medically assisted and with lots of doa,  prep my body better for the next pregnancy. If it'll ever come..No.... i cant be negative. Positivism is crucial to go through this journey. May next time, I'll be able to carry my pregnancy to term. Amin.

Please know my dear unborn babies (using the term baby/babies loosely because i dont want to be calling them embrios or anything else, to us they were already our babies), mommy and abah loves you..
To my future baby, please sudi make me and him your parents. I promise we'll love you more than we love ourselves ..Bring tears to my eyes whenever i remember seeing my 2nd unborn baby's heart fluttering away for the first time, and by the next scan we saw how much bigger you have grown.We joked on how chubby you looked.We were sure that you were going to be like us. Chubby-ish. You were this round blob (sorry baby! We could make out your head and your body) on the screen with a beating heart.. Later we left the clinic grinning form ear to ear.

Going through a missed miscarriage once is tough. To go through it twice, it just rips your heart.
RIPS YOUR HEART.

So hard that just typing this entry makes me want to break down and cry..
I must be strong to go through this long road.

For the time being, i'm going to enjoy and embrace life as a woman who's fast approaching her 30's with my fun and loving husband.